Open letter to the mother who is "afraid of children who are not punished."
The children who present a danger are children who are being taught that love and punishment go
together. In other words, it is good to be violent. People who "love" you h u r t you. It is "for your own good." You are bad. Knocking you about teaches you a lesson. If it doesn't, you'll get worse. The lesson you are learning is that it is no good trying to be good. If you want attention, you do wrong. Got their attention now! The beatings you get hurt, it hurts more to be ignored. Big Lesson: it is good to hurt those you love. More than that, it is your duty. And if it's all right to hurt people you love, it is more than all right to hurt others. All you really want is for your parents (or whoever's in charge) to love you. You want to love them. Your life depends on it! The only answer you can see is to act out. Get punished, act out, get punished, like that. When you grow up, you will be able to do the punishing. Not only will you hurt your children, you will find ways to hurt others. Maybe you will chain somebody up and make "love" to them with a whip. Maybe you will become a stalker. Maybe you will take things that belong to others. May even get carried away and kill somebody. You will probably be punished. That is good.
FACT: Punishment doesn't discourage bad behavior. It e n c o u r a g e s it. Maybe the person being punished waits awhile before acting up again. Maybe he or she will learn to do it in secret. Very, very lucky children find someone who cares enough to help them find the good in themselves, and act on that.
Those who are not so lucky take up a lifestyle that is based on an eye for an eye and a tooth for
a tooth. Look for someone smaller and weaker and take their turn. Study after study proves that punishment in the home creates a vicious circle. A kind of "Catch-22." Go on and hit. Punch, kick, whip. Scream, curse, call names. It is easy. It is what a leader does. Can't cure 'em, lock 'em up or give 'em the gas. Only what they deserve.
As you know, violence is increasing in countries all around the world. It is not coming from children or adults who were raised by parents who instilled discipline by setting reasonable limits and enforcing them by non-violent means such as time-out and withholding privileges. It is not coming from people whose caregivers work to be consistent and spend quality time with them. It is not coming from people whose parents provided step-by-step instruction to help them learn skills that observation shows they are ready to learn [or see others do so}. It is rare that it comes from people who received praise for showing improvement as they were growing up. It is extremely rare that it comes from people who
genuinely like themselves because they were shown love and appreciation as they were growing up. It comes from people who whether they know it or not feel bad about themselves and helpless to
change. It comes from people whose parents did not take time to educate themselves about child development, learning readiness and ways to effectively manage behavior. It comes from people who were given the idea that love means causing p a i n.
Simple equation: "I was hit, therefore I hit." For hit, substitute hurt.
Children are not small adults. They learn by e x a m p l e. It does no good to say, "Do what I say, not what I do." Being a parent is a challenge. It takes enormous amounts of time and effort. Research and careful and regular observation are musts. Babies have to be self-centered and grasping. It is that, or die. But somewhere between the age of 2 and 3, the happy, secure child begins to want to help and share. Children are very sensitive. Only harsh treatment -- especially at home -- turns them bitter. Bitter people hurt. Hurt turns inward, suicide results [fast or slow, as is the case with alcoholism and other addictions.]. When it turns outward, we are all in trouble.
If you were hurt as a child, and you have not had counseling -- whether formal or informal --, you are likely to be filled with bitterness and a desire to punish others as you were punished. It will be hard not to hurt your children. It will be hard not to want to lash out in other ways. It will be hard not to project bad feelings onto others. Especially your children. Help is available. Reach out before it is too late.
Phyllis Jean D. Green, M.Ed.
National Association for the Education of Young Children {position on violence as related to children}
Addition links available upon request. Here is a better, safer year in 2006 – one in which
we all begin to work together to encourage peaceful resolutions to our problems, and by so doing,
help to save valuable resources so they can be used to reduce problems such as poverty, physical, mental, and emotional disease, violent crime, and the family disintegration that is often both effect and cause.
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Angels That Care. Thank you. Peace!
Web sites like ours and others, would not exit in a perfect world but this isn't a perfect world where adults abuse /kill children, children kill/abuse children, adults kill/abuse adults...on and on. I will never under any circumstances, understand the taking of a life or abusing another.I would like to say "what is wrong with people?" Be it man, woman or child!
I come from a simpler generation where these things did not happen.Probably did but not talked about. We were spanked by our Dad and none of us turned out wrong.
Because these people will or might not answer to man but in the end, they will have to answer to God.
